Ever wondered what to bring when invited for the first time to a local family in your new host country?
Do you remember this awkward feeling – a mix of joy and constraint – when receiving a beautiful present that you didn’t expect from a foreigner?
Not to mention the headache you got when you had to choose gifts to bring back to your brother, sister-in-law, uncle, nephews, auntie, grandma, grandpa… And the fit of jealousy from your mother in-law you had forgotten!
Gifts carry much more meaning than you’d think – and in ALL cultures.
Living abroad can mean 3 things:
1/ more social contacts with people from another culture (fellow expats or locals)
2/ visits to and from your family and friends
3/ cross-cultural marriages
All those interactions lead – at some point – to the exchange of gifts.
It’s tricky because there are no written rules about gifts.
So how do you know what to do?
By definition, a gift is something you’re not obliged to give.
In reality, deep inside ourselves, we know that nothing is less true…
Do you feel comfortable to arrive with empty hands at a friends’ meal, whatever the country you’re in?
So where does this feeling of obligation to give come from?
Simultaneously, when you’re offered a gift, you know you can’t refuse it. That would be insulting. Intuitively, you feel indebted to the giver. You owe him/her something back.
In an “Essay on the gift” first published in 1925, French anthropologist and sociologist Marcel Mauss proposed a fascinating explanation.
By studying so-called ‘archaïc’ societies from Polynesia, Melanesia, North American native Americans, he demonstrates that they had put in place a very sophisticated system of gifts.
By describing the characteristics of such systems, he deducted that they had influenced all societies on the planet and that we, in our so called ‘modern’ society are still impregnated from it.
So what are those unwritten codes about?
1. Obligation to give
There is honour and prestige conferred by the distribution of wealth and thus by giving gifts. What matters is not the amount of resources you possess but the willingness to give them out. You prove your “good fortune by spending and sharing material possessions out, humiliating others by placing them in the shadow of your name”. Moreover things are not merely inert matter. They are infused with the spirit of the donor. This is the so-called sentimental value we attach to well defined objects that have been given to us by dear ones.
2. Obligation to receive
Refusing a gift is an insult. It means that you don’t want to enter in a relationship. It can go as far as being a declaration of war.
But by accepting the gift, you know that you commit to something. “The gift is received with a burden attached”. Why? Because of the following point.
3. Obligation to reciprocate
The gift has to be reciprocated with the same or a higher value otherwise you lose face. This cannot happen simultaneously otherwise it’s simply a form of trade. There needs to be a period of time in between.
In summary, “the gift is therefore at one and the same time what should be done, what should be received and yet what is dangerous to take”
So what does it mean in our everyday life? In a foreign country? In another culture?
There are numerous guides providing details about customs and etiquette in each country. But you may not have the time to read them or life circumstances may occur that are not covered in a guidebook.
So what can you do? How do you know what’s appropriate?
Here are some elements to answer those questions:
1. Don’t question yourself about the local customs of offering gifts.
You know that this phenomenon is universal and has been around for thousands of years.
Sociologist Alain Caillé, university professor and founder of “La revue du MAUSS” based on Mauss teachings, asserts: the gift is the operator of friendship. The gift is a desire for recognition of shared humanity.
2. Choose a gift with care if you value the relationship with the person you want to honor.
The gift will define your position in the relationship.
3. The value of a gift doesn’t necessary mean monetary value.
A gift comes with a soul. The more personal it is for you, the more deeply it will connect you with the receiver.
4. Accepting a gift means that you agree to enter in a relationship.
Be mindful about the incumbent obligation to reciprocate within a decent time period.
This unwritten albeit moral and universal obligation, if not respected, can trigger different reactions: insult, contempt, resentment. disappointment, indifference.
In most cases, the relationship dies.
I told you: gifts are not neutral.
I found those insights extremely precious. They confirm what I had always felt. But I could never have imagined that they were valid somehow all around the world.
What about you? What’s the most embarrassing gift you’ve ever received? Or the most surprising one you’ll never forget?