Want to Beat the Expat Blues?

Follow our FREE mini-course and take your life back
Get secrets to raise happy children abroad (even teenagers)
Don't miss out on the next blog posts and other goodies to fully enjoy your expatriate life.

Expats and Olympic Games – Who Are You Rooting For?

The Olympic Games are in full swing.  Rio de Janeiro - Expats and Olympic Games

More than 11,000 athletes coming from 206 countries are competing during 17 days across 306 events featuring 28 sports. Whether it is for soccer, cycling, swimming, rowing, gymnastics, golf or athletics, more than 500 000 people travelled to attend in person while 3.6 billion people are expected to watch online or on TV.

Fans all around the world are passionately supporting their country, waving flags, painting themselves with national colours or simply stopping work to follow their favourite sports. At home or at the office, many huddle in front of their screens. Others are gathering in cafes or public places to experience ‘live’ the most important events.

In this frenzy of cross-cultural sports fever, beyond the exploits, there’s a question of national pride. It’s an opportunity for intense communion, the chance for a country to feel united.

In these moments, we forget the internal political disagreements, the economic crisis, the collapse of the ecosystems, our irascible neighbour and the gossip lady next door.

We’re all behind our athletes representing our country and by extension representing ourselves.
All united behind our country?

Well, in some families like the expat family, it’s a bit more complicated.

Who are you rooting for?
The country you were born in? The country you’re currently living in?
The country you have lived the longest in?
Your passport country? Your parents‘ passport country?

Let’s have a closer look at one family to see what it looks like.

Philippe, the dad, is French. Born and bred in France. The best — in all modesty.
He doesn’t have the slightest doubt in his mind. He’s supporting France. Of course.
He gets goosebumps when he listens to the ‘Marseillaise’.

What about the medals tally? He’s furious to be standing so far behind Great Britain and monitors closely his position with Germany.

Mary, the mum, is Canadian but her parents came from Belgium. They emigrated to Canada 2 years before Mary was born. She went to school to Vancouver and studied in Toronto.
Mary’s first choice is Canada but she also has a soft spot for Belgium. Two countries to cheer for!

What about the medals tally? Canada and Belgium are far behind, prompting some stinging comments from Philippe to Mary’s utter outrage.

Sarah, their daughter, was born in Germany and left when she was 15 years old. The family now lives in Australia. She favours Canada, a tad less France but she definitely supports Australia. She doesn’t want to stand out from her peers at school.
Secretly she also roots for Germany. She has kept contact with some friends over there. It was so hard to leave. But she can’t express herself out loud. Her father would have a fit.

Sarah has a double passport — French and Canadian — but she never lived in those countries.
She doesn’t know what it means to grow up in a place where you’re also a citizen.
While she has a good circle of friends, she always feels a bit weird, special, apart.
Belonging everywhere but belonging nowhere.

What about the medals tally? France and Australia won exactly the same number of gold medals. But most important, she smugly calculates, Germany is ahead of France if you look at the total number of gold medals rather than the total number of medals!

Emilie, the little one, loves gymnastics. None of her family’s countries has a real chance of winning. Besides, she hates conflict and there’s enough arguing already with mum and dad.

So she picked her team: the US women! At least, she’s sure to win something.

After two weeks of tension, Mary is tired. Her family doesn’t need more stress around identity. That’s not what the Olympic Games should be about. But this whole event triggered interesting questions.

So she has an idea. Last evening at the dinner table, she suggested

‘Let’s do something special for the closing ceremony.

We’ll invite a couple of friends and ask them to show up in the colours of an Olympic team and to bring a plate of food from that country.

Girls, can you think of funny games to play?

I’ll prepare a quiz. No doubt that there’ll be questions about athletes that are expatriates themselves representing another country.

We’ll award our winners and distribute our own medals. How does it sound?’

The most important thing in the Olympic Games is not winning but taking part; the essential thing in life is not conquering but fighting well.
Pierre de Coubertin – Founder of the International Olympic Committee

So now, over to you: what will your closing ceremony look like?

 

Big thanks to Carmen and Pamela for their inputs.

Credit music Free Music Archive credit pictures Depositphotos

Divorce Abroad – 3 Essential Things You Need To Know For Your Kids

Stella is anxious.Divorce abroad - and the kids?
Her mum, Janet, is not the same any more.
Since last week, she has lost her smile.
Her eyes are red and swollen, her face is bleak.
She often withdraws in her room.

What’s happening?

She doesn’t want to talk.
Dad is avoiding them, leaving early and coming back late, when Stella’s in bed.

Returning from school today, she finds them both in the living room. They look serious and preoccupied.

‘We have bad news. We’re going to split.’

Stella’s world is falling apart.

‘How? What do you mean you’re going to split?’

‘Your dad is filing for divorce’, says Janet, struggling to hold back her tears.
She followed her husband abroad for his work two years ago and she now finds herself in a foreign land with no family around, no job and no close friends.

Divorce is one thing. It’s already incredibly hard in your own country.
Emotionally. Financially. Administratively.

But what does it look like when you have to face a divorce abroad?

  • Do you know what your rights and your duties are?
  • What law is applicable?
  • How will the divorce affect your visa and thus your ability to remain in the country or to look for a job?
  • How will you manage when your financial resources are scarce?
  • And how will you deal with the language barrier?

You feel heartbroken, lost, trapped and torn apart.

But there’s one thought that keeps coming back to your mind: the children.

What’s best for them? How can you spare them any unnecessary trauma?

The purpose of this article is to provide a map to navigate as best as possible the pitfalls of this situation.

It’s based on the book ‘When parents separate’ where paediatrician and psychoanalyst Francoise Dolto, informed by her 40-year experience with families offers some precious clues. This book was not intended for expats, but it provides some universal landmarks in child development to help you make the best decisions.

Stella is confused.
She left her house, her school mates, her teacher behind 2 years ago when the family moved.
Now she loses the only stable structure she could hold onto: her parents.

Dad wants to leave. Does he still love her after all?

Guiding Principle #1 – Children need to hear that their parents don’t regret their birth

Stella is part of a triad: father – mother –child.

When parents split, they dissolve their couple.

Stella may thus believe that their parents regret everything they created together because they don’t want to continue the family life. Alternatively, she may think that each parent only loves in her their particular part, which means only half of her.

Dolto suggests for each parent to overtly say:

‘I don’t regret to have lived with your father/mother. Each of us is so grateful for you to be here that we’re arguing with each other to see you more often.’

Even if the child was not desired, there’s a possibility to speak the truth in a constructive way

‘I didn’t expect to have a child but you came anyway. You had the strength to live. You had this amazing desire to exist.’

Dolto also mentions what a third party could tell the child in front of her parents

‘This divorce and this suffering are not useless because you were born and you’re an achievement of this couple.’

Stella feels guilty because her presence is causing more complications for her parents.

‘If I wasn’t here, mum and dad would have it much easier. I’ll never marry to make sure I won’t do the same to my children.’

Needless to say that this belief is extremely harmful. That’s why it’s important to talk, always speaking the truth. The divorce is not the children’s fault. It’s the couple that’s not good together.

Stella is devastated. Her parents are separating. What does it mean for her?

She’s worried, she’ll have to move. Maybe back to her mum’s home country, thousands of km away. Leaving her house, her school, her friends.

Or she might be able to stay put with her dad but she’s afraid she won’t see her mum anymore.

Will she have to leave? She doesn’t have a job in this country and she’ll probably lose her visa once she becomes single.

Guiding Principle #2 – Children need continuity

They need continuity at 3 levels: their physical environment, their social ties, their family relationships.

  1. Importance of physical environment

If the child can remain in the house where the family lived, it’s easier for her to ‘process’ the divorce.

Her body grew in a defined place in presence of both parents. Her body identifies itself to the house in which it lives. If the parents leave, if the place changes, the child is lost even in her own body. It’s especially important till the child is 8-9 years old.

Dolto goes even further: ideally the house remains the place where the children live and each parent comes alternatively to perform their parental duty.

       2. Social ties

Stella has a social life, at school and in her extra-curricular activities.

If she has to attend another school, or worse, if she has to change school in the middle of the year, she’ll face a double hardship:

  • on one hand, her inner being, the person she is, as formed by the 2 structuring parents, is shaken.
  • one the other hand, her social being, in her relation to her friends, is damaged. She’ll have to get used to new schoolmates who’re going to ask, time and again, why she’s new here, redoubling her disarray.
       3. Family relationships

Divorce relieves the parents from sharing their lives together but it doesn’t relieve them of the responsibility and the duty to raise their children.

Children need both parents to care for them and their education.

In case of big distances, visiting every other weekend proves to be impossible. But regular contacts and prolonged visits during holidays are welcome and cannot be emphasized enough.

Dolto underlines the benefit of spending quality time with the children where real education can take place while this doesn’t necessarily happen during school days where you need to hustle them to be on time and do their chores.
 

Stella doesn’t want to think about the future.

She overheard her mum talking with granny about going back.

Her dad wants to stay because of his job. Even if he’d like to repatriate, he’s from another country than mum. That wouldn’t help much!

Guiding Principle #3 – Children need links to both their parents and their respective culture

When separation occurs in an expat family, chances are parents are from two different cultures and/or will live in different countries because one of them can’t have a working permit or a visa.

In those circumstances, the child exposed more often to the culture of the parent who has custody, may easily get cut off from the other parent and their corresponding legacy (language, customs, story).

This fact may seem harmless for many during childhood but is always very damaging when the children become parents themselves.

Francoise Dolto

Why? Because the child coming from 2 different cultural backgrounds is experiencing in their inner life – imaginary and symbolic – something that is not talked about: they can’t speak of their feelings in the culture of the country they live in. As a consequence, when you can’t speak the truth, it’s not humanized. It’s not valued and this is an obstacle to future development.

In your experience, if you’ve had to go through divorce abroad, what helped? What would you NOT repeat?

And if you’re in the throes of it right now, what keeps you awake at night?

 

Credit picture Depositphotos Credit Music Piano Society

Six Disturbing Experiences When Going Back Home For A Holiday

It’s been a while since you’ve set foot in your home country but this year, you’re going back. For a holiday. Three weeks of jam packed program trying to optimize everything and please everyone: spending an equal number of days in each family, organizing a big party with your friends and sprinkling visits to some […]

Continue reading...

Losing A Home – The Impact On Your Third Culture Kid (And How To Handle It)

Ben was 8 years old when he left the country where he’d spent all his childhood.   ‘Daddy’s got a promotion overseas and says he can’t refuse it’, explained Ben to his teacher when he got the news. Originally the family was supposed to live abroad for 3 years and come back. The move was […]

Continue reading...

Emotional Abuse In Expat Couples – 4 Essential Steps To Deal With It

Sophie sits on the couch, her empty gaze staring at the salon table in front of her. Jack, her husband arrived from work and they’ve just had an argument. It’s become more and more frequent since they moved to this new country, a year ago. Sophie left her job to follow Jack when he got a promotion… […]

Continue reading...

Repatriation With Children – How To Be Sure You’re Doing The Right Thing

“Going back ‘home’? Are you serious?” Jonathan’s eyes bulge out of his head. He’s 13. When his family moved abroad, he was 8. “I don’t want to leave my friends! I don’t know anyone back there. Why are we going? Why don’t we stay?” “My job ends next month. We have to leave,” says his […]

Continue reading...

Repatriation – Easier Than Another Expat Assignment?

‘Honey, pack your suitcase. We’re going back home!’ shouts your partner as he walks through the front door. ‘Whaaaat? Really?’ Your jaw drops. Whether you longed for this moment — without ever believing it would happen so soon — or you’re heartbroken to leave your host country (perhaps even resenting the idea to go back) one […]

Continue reading...

The Biggest Challenge of Repatriation – What You Thought You’d Never Need To Know

If you’re planning to go back to your home country after living abroad for any length of time, I bet you’re not madly skimming the Internet for information on how to make the most of your transition. Why should you? You’re going back ‘home’! No need for a language course. No need for a cross-cultural training. […]

Continue reading...

Expats – Your Body Aches But You Don’t Listen (And What To Do Instead)

‘I’ve got a terrible headache. And it’s not the first time.   My vision is blurry. When the pain strikes I can’t even stand up. I’m feeling dizzy. At first I didn’t worry too much. I thought it was due to the move and the changing environmental conditions: jet lag, humid climate, food. But after […]

Continue reading...

Expats – The true story of building a portable social network (and why it matters)

Starting all over again? You have no energy left. This is your third move in 10 years. You’ve just unpacked all your boxes, settled the children at school and established a new routine. You know you should also rebuild a social network. But really, you feel exhausted. Each time, it’s the same story. It’s not […]

Continue reading...