Have you ever wondered what’s happening in your children’s head when relocating abroad?
What would you do to make your child happy?
In this article “Culture Shock: What Your Children Can’t Tell You“, you already found some answers.
But it’s not enough.
As you will be the target of your children’s anger, frustration and resentment over the move, you want to make sure you won’t be causing them more pain.
As you’ll be struggling yourself with culture shock, you don’t want to feel even more guilty, sad and crippled with self-doubt. All alone. Far from home.
Moreover, after giving up your job and leaving your friends and family behind, let’s face it: as a “trailing spouse”, the last thing you want is… to be a bad mother!
This might sound brutal but let me explain what I mean. I’m focusing here on the expatriate families sent abroad for business reasons. Your other half, the bread-earner, your partner, is seldom home: working long hours or on business trips. You’re mostly left alone to figure out what to do and how to deal with the kids. Add to it the loss of your professional identity and the incomprehension of your support network, what’s left over?
Ever heard this kind of sentence from an exhausted partner? “You don’t have to work like me, my job is so stressful. I’m under so much pressure. You should at least be able to fix the family while I’m earning the money.”
AND if you dare talking about your problems to your parents or your in-laws (!), you’re in for a treat. “I told you! No wonder the kids are messed up. It’s irresponsible to uproot children like that.”
If your family is collapsing, and if in the only role you’re left with, you’re not successful, it’s a sure recipe for depression.
So what can you – as a parent – do to make the transition smoother?
Let me first state that I don’t pretend to have a magic formula for guaranteed success. By no means. But here is how I plan to help you in this article.
I’ll first highlight the 3 pillars of culture shock, based on the work from prominent experts in the field.
I’ll then outline 2 basic principles that I’ve applied myself and which have proved to be excellent in raising my 4 children so far.
Finally I’ll give you a couple of practical tips to deal with the acute phase of culture shock: just after the move.
We’ve seen that culture shock can trigger different reactions according to your age, your place in the family and your level of decision in the moving process.
So instead of focusing on Oberg’s model, let’s first have a look at the skills required to deal successfully with culture shock.
Culture shock will need you to deal with 3 areas:
1. Managing stress
Expatriation means change. Change means stress. Even if the change is positive!
Changing house and neighborhood, getting used to a new school or a new office, making new friends, discovering new food, learning another language: those are only some of the many changes that you and your family will face.
This is why the ability to overcome and even be strengthened by the adversities of life is key. It’s called being resilient. And it makes a real difference. The good news is: learning how to become more resilient is possible. Want to read more on that subject? Follow the series here.
2. Effective communication
Imagine you’re deaf and you’ve got tape on your mouth. This is what happens when you’re in a foreign country with a foreign language. In a few hours, you’ll lose all ability to communicate. Not only to conduct a dialogue but even to decipher non-verbal cues. Does this smile mean that I’m welcome? Or that my interlocutor is embarrassed?
To be able to interact successfully in a society, you’ll have to figure out what governs relationships between people. While there are obvious differences you can notice right away, there are so many hidden references you might not even be conscious of. For example, birthday gifts: in one culture, it’s polite to open them in front of the guests. In another country, it’s insulting because people assume that you’re more interested in the gift than in the person.
And this is where you inevitably make some faux-pas, sound awkward and beat yourself up. Gasp! You’ll have to master the art of resolving conflicts. And quickly!
3. Your sense of identity
“In France, I’m told that I’m the little Chinese. In China, I’m called the little French. Mummy, who am I finally?”
This is the smart question of Betty’s 6 year-old son, as mentioned in our discussion on children and culture shock.
Who am I? is one of the key questions about identity. We saw in this example how acute it can be – even for young children.
“At school, everybody says I’m lucky because I already visited the Eiffel Tower” said my 10 year-old daughter.
“Of the 3 languages I speak, my preferred one is French”, mentioned my teenage daughter a few days ago before adding: ”I think I like it most because Australians are so enthusiastic about France”.
Can you feel how the reactions from the people in the host country can influence your identity?
Culture shock will shake these 3 pillars. In my experience, the most violent shock comes with the numerous changes just after the move while the deepest impacts are on identity building and intercultural competence later on.
So how can you best help your children to navigate in these troubled waters?
Principle #1
“Trust yourself. You’re the best parents in the world… because your children don’t have any others”
Françoise Dolto Click to tweet
In other words, follow your heart (and not always the reason). Secure your children’s emotional well-being first.
Let’s take an example. Your child is expected at her new school tomorrow but terrified at this very idea. You feel she’s not ready yet. She needs a few more days at home to settle in. Allow her this extra time. Don’t worry about her academic performance, the pressure from the school or the critics from your mother-in-law.
Inform yourself, take advice, talk to experienced people. But ultimately follow your intuition to make your own decisions.
Principle #2
“No matter what you assume, your children are smarter than you think.”
Treat them that way!
I believe that there is very little that can’t be said to a child. Why? Because whatever you feel, they’ll feel it. They have this intuition, this sixth sense. They know, even only unconsciously.
So why verbalizing? Because putting words on inner feelings is a freeing process. It allows your children to grow, in a healthy way.
Based on those 2 principles, here are 5 practical steps to help you handle culture shock as best as possible.
- Tip #1 Inform your children as EARLY as possible and as accurately as you can
This is true for everything.
Before the move: Even with 6 months notice, my son felt he had his back to the wall. Of course, after 15 years living in the same place!
Learn about the country, the culture, the language. Go on a pre-visit. Share with your kids as much as you can. Explain them the differences they will see right away (like the third eye for women in India for example) and the reasons behind. With Internet, you can view videos, pictures, take a cross-cultural course. All this preparation work will pay off at your arrival. It’ll reduce the anxiety.
Talk to your kids about culture shock and what it can do. Explain them that you’ll feel it too!
Have you thought of telling them that they are (or will be) TCKs or CCKs? It feels good to know that there’s a group of people out there they can belong and relate to.
- Tip #2 Work at keeping continuity
Minimize all changes. Even the smallest one.
Practically: this means re-creating the bedroom with familiar objects (same linen, same toys, same posters..). In the kitchen: same plates, dishes, tablecloth (if you had one)…
As much as you can, keep the same furniture, clothes, books, toys.
Continue to speak your language(s). There’s no need to brutally drop one language.
Keep a very structured schedule : wake-up time / meal time / bed time.This gives a routine with some strong references: a framework to refer to.
Also keep the rituals: were you telling stories at bedtime? Just go on.
All those elements give a sense of safety. Even if outside is totally different, there is this place (your home) that you can control and come back to, to feel secure.
At that stage, I would only introduce necessary changes gradually (starting school only half a day for example) and keep monitoring the effects.
- Tip #3 Be prepared to deal with strong emotional reactions
Anger is one of the common reactions.
Anger is coming from pain or anxiety of pain. Anger is directed towards an obstacle in order to avoid feeling the pain.
Anger is a confused – and therefore confusing – expression of pain directed to someone else in order to make this person feel guilty so that she’ll feel obliged to remove the pain!
Don’t take those strong emotional reactions (anger, disgust..) personally. Remember:
“Love me when I least deserve it, because that’s when I need it the most” – Swedish proverb mentioned by Sandra on our Facebook page
- Tip #4 Keep the dialogue
Have your children speak, draw, play…. to express themselves. They must feel they’re listened to and valued. Try to remain non-judgmental. Just listen and acknowledge the pain, the anxiety, the sorrow. Easier said than done. But through successfully managing the changes, they’ll grow stronger.
- Tip #5 Reach out for support
To cheer you up and support you in difficult moments or unforeseen situations, it’s always useful to have somebody to talk to. Somebody you trust. Somebody who’s not going to judge you. It does not mean you’ll follow their advice or even ask for an advice. It’s a place where you’ll be able to express your feelings, sort them out (at least somewhat), get clarity and some confidence. Maybe somewhere like “Expatriate Connection”? Between experienced and like-minded people who’ve all been through similar situations.
The importance of a third person is acknowleged by Betty’s comment here. And I did not bribe her:-)
In conclusion, I’d like to quote Napoleon Hill:
“In every adversity, there is a seed for an equivalent advantage”
Or more simply “After the rain comes the sun!”
So how is the weather at your place? What would you add? I’d love to hear your thoughts.