This article is inspired by a true story that happened two weeks ago to someone from our community, here at Expatriate Connection. Legal issues are still being discussed and real names can’t be disclosed. Nevertheless, we can all support this expat family and learn from this experience.
Fired abroad: Not only a job less…
While most of us are preparing ourselves for the holidays, life doesn’t stop.
“Peter” knew his company was struggling.
However, he didn’t expect the brutal news.
Last Monday his boss gathered the staff – 15 people in total – and gravely announced:
“I have bad news. It’s over. The headquarters decided to shut down our office. As from today, all activity is cancelled. I’ll hand to each of you the legal documents in a minute. Then I’d like you to take your belongings and to go back home.”
Peter felt as if the ground fell away beneath his feet.
A shockwave ran through his body.
One word resonated in his mind: jobless.
The dreaded situation was now a fact.
Peter’s mind raced. Not only was he losing his job…
The shocking truth about losing your job abroad
Because he is an expatriate, Peter would also lose his visa (sponsored by the company), the rent of his apartment, the car, the tuition fees of the international school for his children, and the healthcare coverage for his whole family.
How was his wife going to react? She resigned from her job to follow him abroad. She was already struggling in the last few months, grieving the loss of her professional identity, the loss of her financial independence, the imbalance in the couple.
Without job abroad, Peter felt like his whole life had collapsed.
Great uncertainty is now hanging over his future and the future of the whole family.
Uncertainty is extremely stressful
Will the family get a visa extension to leave Peter some time to find another job in the same city?
Are the kids going to finish their school year here? Will they have to relocate back in the home country? The economical situation over there is even worse than where they currently are. Moreover, they have nowhere to go. They sold their house when they moved. What if Peter can’t find another job?
Is he entitled to unemployment benefits?
Without being able to plan anything, Peter’s wife felt extremely unsettled.
She was struggling to manage her mixed feelings. She acknowledged she’d never enjoyed so much spending quality time with the kids. She was proud of them speaking another language. She widened her horizon, discovering a new culture, new traditions. She met lots of people from all over the world and managed to make two very close friends. She was grateful for all this new experience.
But she was resenting her husband for changing jobs all the time (even if for once, he didn’t want to!), resenting herself for not having a paid job, feeling so powerless in spite of her PhD. She was angry at the company throwing whole families in chaos, playing with them as if they were pawns on a chessboard. She was anxious to tell the truth to the kids. Should they know? Should the school know? Should their friends know?
To the complexity of the situation, she was afraid of getting negative reactions or embarrassing questions. She still had to “digest” the news for herself.
How to take charge of your stress
Ambiguity is scary. In our Western culture, we’ve been taught to take control of our life, set goals, reach objectives. We’re used to plan, organize, make decisions. When we lose this ability, we feel disoriented.
This situation is extremely stressful. Add to ambiguity the multiple losses as well. Peter will have to grieve his job, the closure of the office, the loss of the daily interactions with his colleagues. All the other family members will also suffer from the loss of their sense of safety, protection and care provided by the company and the revenue Peter used to earn.
Inspired by the work of Pauline Boss (therapist who dedicated her career to study ambiguity and ambiguous loss) together with my own experience, here are 5 suggestions to cope with this tricky situation.
1. Control what you can – Let go of everything else
Peter can do his best to negotiate a more favorable termination agreement. He can gather information and spend time with a lawyer looking at his options. He can ask for the necessary documents and file for unemployment benefits.
He can’t control however whether his employer will grant him a favor.
By working on accomplishing tasks within your reach, you regain a sense of control in your life. You can’t predict the outcome but you can quiet your mind. You did your best.
Some people find ambiguity so uncomfortable that they come to deny reality. They make arbitrary choices to get out of the limbo. They act either as if nothing had happened or as if everything was already finished. This is dangerous of course.
Embrace ambiguity instead of resisting it. How hard this may sound, this is what will lower your stress level.
2. Trust your fate
When you’ve done everything you could possibly think of, when you’ve tried your best, you can only have faith. Faith that the odds – God – Allah will be with you.
Faith in your fate: not everything will go wrong, there is somewhere a light at the end of the tunnel. And what if this scary situation proved to be a major opportunity in your life? Of course now, you can’t conceive it but in a few months or years, you might be surprised…
3. Don’t neglect your body
Get enough sleep, eat healthy.
Sleep deprivation and erratic diet patterns are detrimental for your morale. You don’t need to be put down but to be lifted up.
On the same note, don’t self medicate with alcohol or other drugs.
4. Immediate family, assemble!
In stressful times, people tend to withdraw from each other. And this makes it a burden much more difficult to bear for each family member. But if you chose to pay closer attention to your partner and your children, you’ll have a great ooportunity to strengthen your family ties and find comfort in supporting one another.
To that end, make sure you establish a daily ritual with your family to check in on each other.
One suggestion could be to gather at 7 pm around the dinner table. No mobile phone, no TV, no tablet.
Each family member can talk for 10 minutes – set the timer – about what they want without being interrupted. Finish by an uplifting song, an inspiring quote, your family motto or an action plan. Conclude by holding hands or hugging each other.
5. Connect with the wider community
As Aristotle once said: “Man is a social animal.”
When things go wrong however, we tend to hide. But it’s time to see who your real friends are.
“A friend in need is a friend indeed” as the saying goes. Are your friends here for you? Can you rely on them? This is when a blend of online and local connections comes in handy.
We have a real opportunity to help a family struggling at the moment. A family who will celebrate Christmas with lots of question marks on their mind. Here and now we can prove what human connection means and show them our support.
Have you ever been in such a situation? Do you have any good tip to share? Do you have a friend who could provide useful advice? You can make a difference by writing a comment below. Today. Thank you!
Credit music Piano Society Credit picture @Wikimedia Commons