“I’m tired and overwhelmed. My energy is totally drained out. I even feel dizzy, completely worn out.
I wonder whether it’s normal that I’m so tired…
You must think that I’m out of my mind: feeling exhausted
- because I struggled for 3 hours to make a dentist appointment,
- because my doctor reacts differently than in my home country,
- because my son’s friend is not showing up on Skype,
- because I’m invited for afternoon tea by 2 other moms for the first time.
But seriously, all this affects me a lot!
How will I find the energy to move on? I’m so exhausted that I’m wondering at that point what’s wrong with me.”
These are some of the messages I’ve been receiving in the last couple of weeks from recently moved expatriates. Maybe like you.
This lack of energy (provided you’re not suffering from a physical disease) is normal for recently moved expatriates. And I’m going to explain you WHY.
You’re tired but this is not your fault
The first thing you need to understand is that you are not less of a person compared to other people: this is not your fault, because it happens to all recently moved expatriates.
By understanding the reasons governing your exhaustion,
- you’ll be able to develop your own customized coping strategies.
- You won’t beat yourself up for hours.
- You’ll even be more tolerant, patient and supportive when other family members show similar symptoms.
To unveil the reason why you feel so exhausted, let’s have a closer look at how your brain works.
Consider the following example. Suppose you want to lose weight. You know that you should mainly eat fruit and vegetables and avoid fatty donuts and whipped cream. Because you want to look great on the beach this summer, you resist for 2 weeks. And yesterday, while walking along a bakery, you smelled the fresh bread, the delicious coffee, you looked at the tempting patisseries: you couldn’t resist any more. You stormed in the confectionary and bought 4 macadamia cupcakes that you ate on the spot. Mmmm, it felt so good!
Does it sound familiar? I believe it has happened to all of us. We make a lot of efforts because we know rationally that it’s the right way to do it but then the temptation comes and we can’t stop it!
The French philosopher, mathematician and theologian Blaise Pascal illustrated this very principle, the dichotomy of our minds, when he stated:
“The heart has its reasons of which reason knows nothing.” (Le coeur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point) Click to tweet
It comes from your brain: the story of the Elephant and the Rider
There are 2 parts in our brain:
1. the emotional side: responsible for all our feelings, desires, frustrations, emotions, intuitions, aiming at looking for pleasure, satisfaction, contentment.
2. the rational side: the serious inner voice who knows what’s best because it has been scientifically proven, because it’s common sense, because it’s logical.
A psychologist named Jonathan Haidt explained this division of our mind by a powerful metaphor.
Imagine that the emotional side is an Elephant and the rational side its Rider.
The rider is in charge of guiding the elephant, he supervises. He knows what’s the right thing to do. Well, he’s supposed to.
The elephant on the other side is doing what the rider is requesting from him. Well, that is, when he wants to.
Can you imagine what happens when the Rider wants to go to the right and the elephant to the left? Can you guess who is going to win the argument?
Sure, it’s the 6-ton elephant who will have the last word!
The natural conclusion of this matter of fact, is that we work best (most efficiently and less painfully) when Rider and Elephant are aligned. It’s the time where we feel in harmony.
But how does it translate in your daily life?
Every day, you have a sequence of tasks that you perform automatically, without thinking: breathing, beating eyelids, brushing your teeth, putting your shoes on, locking the door, driving to work, picking up the children from the daycare…
And this is good because the Elephant knows what he has to do: he’s been properly trained to repeat again and again those daily actions and he likes stability. In this case, the Rider doesn’t need to spend any energy on his companion… He’s on autopilot mode.
But when this routine is modified, you can’t rely on the autopilot any more. The Elephant does not recognize his familiar surroundings any longer, he gets confused, lost or scared.
The Rider then needs to work hard. He has to get and process new information, to be focused, to react quickly. And if the Rider hesitates, procrastinates, does not know where to go, the Elephant is puzzled. He stops, goes to sleep or starts to run in the opposite direction!
Now, back to you.
After 9 houses, 6 schools, 5 towns, 4 countries, 3 continents, 9 jobs (3 for you, 6 for your partner) in 15 years, how many “routines” have you created?
Each time, you change house, country, culture, job, you have to rely heavily on your Rider. Compared to a local person who already knows the language and customs of her surroundings, you have to process in a very short time a tremendous amount of information! Your Rider has to work extremely hard to keep the elephant moving. And preferably in the right direction. But this does not happen without trial and error. Which consumes even more energy.
This is why change is so tiring.
And it affects the entire family. My 13 year-old daughter got headaches when we settled in Australia 18 months ago. She recalls being exhausted during the first months of our arrival. She had to adapt to a new school, a new way of teaching, a new language. She had to recreate a routine taking the bus every morning instead of riding her bike. She had to build up a new network of friends. It was so tiring: she used to go to the library during each lunch break, to please her elephant and get some fun reading. There, alone, she could relax and release some of the tension. She would not be under scrutiny.
Does it all make sense?
Now that you know how it works, you can develop your own strategy to guide the Rider and motivate the Elephant.
I’d love to hear your findings in the comments below.
* This article has greatly benefited from reading “Switch”, a book from Dan and Chip Heath.
** Credit image Wikimedia Commons, Credit music pianosociety