No need to emphasize the importance of coping with setbacks when moving abroad.
Superman or Superwoman? Our children will benefit from being resilient
Having followed this whole series on resilience, you’ve assessed your resilience score.
You’re well aware of the risk and protective factors.
You’ve unlocked the 3 keys to resilience.
You’re building a strong family using just 2 simple but crucial tips.
Now, let’s take the final step. Practically, how do you raise resilient children who thrive overseas on a day to day basis?
I offer you 5 practical tips.
Tip #1. Lead by example
Easier said than done, I agree!
As parents, we have a huge influence on our children by what we do, by what we think, by how we behave. We know it consciously, but we forget it easily.
Our mood directly impacts their day.
Are you upset because the local administration is using you as a ping-pong ball, bouncing back from one department to another?
Are you frustrated because you can’t open up a bank account on your own? Are you depressed because you miss your job?
Your children will pick this up. They’ll be affected.
Think of the safety instructions on a plane.
“In case of depressurization in the cabin, the oxygen masks will drop in front of you. Secure your mask first BEFORE assisting other passengers or children.”
In other words, make sure first that you’re safe before helping others.
You’ve got to take care of yourself. You’ve got to do well. It’s not a selfish reaction. It’s for the well-being of the whole family.
Tip #2. Discover how saying NO is good for your children
We don’t like to say no to our children. It’s hard. They know it.
They cry, they scream, they sulk.
They’ve mastered the art of making us feel guilty.
And it doesn’t take much.
We already feel guilty because we changed them from home and school, because we removed them from their friends and from the extended family.
All this is true.
But I still believe we have to resist. Especially on material possessions. It’s even something they might be grateful for… later on.
What are the benefits of saying no?
Saying no helps children deal with frustration. I remember reading Françoise Dolto on that topic. She was a French psychoanalyst, big advocate of the children’s cause.
- She mentioned that refusing something to a child is actually a blessing. Because it leaves the door open to imagination. You say no but the story does not end here. You start a discussion, asking questions to your child: so why would you like this? What would you do with it? How would it feel to have it? Could you make it yourself?
- Let one day pass by.
- How does it feel today? Do you still want it? What if you EARNED it? Would you be willing to work for it? Draw it.
- Do you see the potential for exploring a whole range of emotions?
Saying no proves to children that they can’t always have what they want. Life is like that. Life can be hard. Even if they took the plane so many times, they visited so many places, they stayed in nice hotels. How can they keep a sense of the expenses it means? How can you preserve their curiosity, their desire, their appetite for something new if they always get what they’re asking for?
Tip #3. Allow kids to get bored!
When I read this piece of advice coming from Michael Grose, I felt so relieved!
What? I’m not supposed, as a parent, to entertain my children all day long? Filling their days with activities, excursions, parties with friends? I can without remorse refuse them to watch a movie or play on the computer… because otherwise they’ll get bored!
There are benefits in being bored: you imagine, you think, you create. YOU have to take initiative!
Allowing children to get bored… What a relief!
Especially as an expatriate where you don’t have an extended network and you’re supposed to be everything to your children (parent, grand-parent, educator, entertainer, nanny) 24 hours a day!
So kids can get bored and it’s good for them. Thanks Michael.
Tip #4. Emotional support is key
Scientific studies have shown that the satisfaction of biological needs only is not enough for human beings to ensure their development. Children need to be loved, respected and informed.
Let me share with you this story told by Brigitte Denis, author of the book “La parole au bébé”.
A little baby, brought to the orphanage a few days ago, was refusing to eat. Despite all the attention and the care of the staff, he was starving to death. This situation very seldom for an infant is the sign of an extreme suffering from the child. In desperation, the staff asked Françoise Dolto to help. She came in and talked gently to the child, in the eyes. “Your parents were killed in a car accident. This is why you can’t see them now and why you won’t be able to see them anymore. You’re not responsible for what happened. It just happened. You’ve been brought to the orphanage to be taken care of because your parents can’t do it anymore. In a few weeks’time, you may be adopted by a new family.” After this explanation, the child took a bottle without any problem.
Can you see the power of this explanation? and how it can emotionally support the child?
This reminds me of what Barbara Schaetti mentioned in the book “Third Culture Kids”.
“In all my travels, conversations and research, I’ve discovered that the only people – who had relatively easy identity encounter experiences related to growing up globally – were those who had been introduced to the terms “global nomad” and “third culture kid”.
Speech is the medium unifying and integrating the psychosomatic working of the human being, as mentioned by “la maison buissonière” an institution inspired by the work of Françoise Dolto.
We, as parents, won’t live the life of our children. They’ll have to find their way. They have a great opportunity to experiment by themselves while we stand at their side, watching them, comforting them, encouraging them. But we should refrain from doing things in their name.
And this is not always easy. At least for me.
Tip #5. What is the fifth element you’d like to add?
Speak your mind in the comments below. I’m all ears.