If you are struggling with deciding to move abroad and become an expatriate, I have a little story to share with you that might help.
Credit Alagna via Wikimedia Commons
We had a family walk last Sunday. The experience was very interesting: it was a life lesson.
The weather was beautiful, a cold but sunny day, blue sky, hardly any clouds. Ideal conditions.
We decided to climb to the summit of the mountain nearby.
While we were walking, I thought of a parallel with the decision of moving abroad (but I guess you could use the metaphor for any other goal in your life).
You’ll see, the analogy speaks for itself.
It all started like this.
My husband had insisted earlier in the week he wanted us to do something all together. A hike was the ideal family activity.
Lesson #1 in moving abroad: At first, there is a desire and an opportunity to move… from one person.
The other family members don’t really know the details yet but agree on one thing: “Yes, we want to stay all together.”
At breakfast, we agreed to leave at noon.
Everyone had a chore assigned, and worked diligently.
Finally, we were all set, half an hour later than we had planned, but still: we were off!
After a 10-minute drive, we arrived at our departure point.
The first questions arose: How long will it last? How many kilometers do we have to walk? Is it difficult?
Lesson #2 in moving abroad: Getting closer to the move, an interesting mix of anxiety and curiosity starts to appear. The funny thing is that all family members have the same fundamental questions that none of them can really answer. Remember, it’s a NEW experience for everyone!
The great thing when you’re 6 is that you get a wide range of different personalities and a good sample of human reactions. Here we go:
The youngest one is always very clever and sees everything. She peeps over my shoulder and reads what the guidebook says.
Walk duration: 4 hours. How discouraging! Is it taking soooo long?
Fortunately, the others were already a bit further and could not hear anything.
They all would have protested vigorously. 4 hours? For a gentle walk on a Sunday afternoon? Are you kidding?
So I just emphasized that the guide was not always accurate and remained very general. “I don’t really know. We’ll see how it goes.” (which was in fact the simple truth).
Lesson #3 in moving abroad: in a family, you always have one person looking for information in books or on the Internet, knowing all the history of the new country, the best places to visit and some typical elements of the new culture. While this certainly gives some idea about the new situation, it’s not the whole picture. There are nuances depending on each particular place (dialects, specific customs). It’ll never replace your own experience. You won’t really know until you’ve done it and been there.
After 15 minutes, unfortunately, we see a very clear indication placed on the track: Pinnacle 1h30.
First sign of resistance. My husband makes a quick calculation: “What? 1h30 minutes up, 30 minutes at the top and 1h to come down, this means 3 hours. We’ll come back too late. Give me the keys of the car. When I’m fed up, I go back home.”
Lesson #4 in moving abroad: Being the one who initiated the move does not mean that you have no anxiety about it. You may feel overwhelmed or scared when the time has come to physically GO there. At this point, you’re stepping outside of your comfort zone, leaving your home, sweet home. This jump in the unknown feels scary: you may be tempted to take back control of the situation or at least have the impression to take back this control.
When the ground becomes shaky, pause for a moment and refocus. Keep your judgment.
Is this move unsafe? No. Is this move unhealthy? No.
The conditions are good. The move is realistic. If the task seems huge, split it in steps but give it a chance!
We continue walking.
After 30 minutes, the second youngest starts to complain: “I’m tired. I have to stop. I want to eat something. I’m thirsty. It’s too far. It’s too long. We’ll never get there”.
I try to cheer him up and encourage him.
“You can do it. You’re fit with your 2 soccer trainings every week. No, we won’t stop. You’ll get the reward (something to eat) when we arrive at the summit”.
But nothing helps. He keeps complaining, stopping for 2 minutes and then running to catch up with the group.
This attitude has 2 effects:
- wasting his precious resources (his energy)
- acting as a sabotage for himself and for the group. Through the accumulation of numerous negative thoughts, he’s not only convincing himself that the walk is too difficult for him but he also influences the other family members sowing doubt and confusion.
Lesson #5 in moving abroad: This is a classic. After a few setbacks, doubt starts to appear. And its best friend, lack of confidence.
Did we make the good choice? It’s too hard, too different, too complex.
It’s the time to long for the comfort of the home country, where we knew easily how to perform the daily tasks.
Finding excuses, criticizing, complaining: resistance is at its best! What is the result? Waste of precious energy and destabilization of the group unity.
In the meantime, the girls had teamed up. Walking together, they figured out a new game: speaking Dutch without introducing any word from the 2 other foreign languages they speak (French or English). When you fail, you get a point. The less points, the better. They are chatting with each other, laughing and counting points, progressing easily, admiring the fabulous landscape, the plants and the birds.
Lesson #6 in moving abroad: A change does not need to be unpleasant. Some people just thrive at improvising. You can decide to make the best out of every situation and have fun. If you’re creative and curious, you take every opportunity to learn. You keep an open mind and support each other. A joy to see and to share!
Meanwhile, their father had made up his mind, for the better: he takes the lead and climbs at a slow but even pace. After a while, we are struggling to follow him!
Lesson #7 in moving abroad: “You are what you think”
By having a clear goal in mind and not deviating from it, you’re strong. You don’t get distracted. You’re focusing on what’s essential: the success of your move. You don’t need to be quick: Rome was not built in one day. By keeping a regular mood, you’re acting as a role model for all other family members, providing a sense of security, control and confidence.
About half way through, the older one starts to argue: “Well, we’re now walking about half an hour. Let’s walk another 15 minutes and go back. I still have things to do this evening (it was 2h30!). I’m not interested in walking to the top!”
Sure, we do not have to climb to the summit. We can stop only half way through. But what’s the beauty of getting to the top?
a/ there is a sense of achievement in going to the end of the track
b/ there is a sense of accomplishment in rising and touching the sky.
b/ there is a sense of effort in climbing to the summit.
Lesson #8 in moving abroad: Do you really have to move? In many cases, you probably could do without. There are so many life choices nowadays. Some employees choose to leave their family in the home country and come back every other month/week depending on the distance. Some people simply refuse the assignment abroad. The third category is excited by the challenge and the adventure. Remember, the more difficult, the more rewarding.
“In every adversity, there is the seed for an equivalent advantage”
Napoleon Hill Click to tweet
But our third child keeps complaining. “I’m thirsty. I want to have some rest. I won’t take another step. It’s boring. I don’t care about this landscape.”
Fortunately, the summit is approaching. It seemed so far half an hour ago and is surprisingly so close now. We keep going, we keep focusing, we keep walking, deeply anchored in our goal.
Finally, we reach the summit, sweating, breathing loudly but smiling.
The view is stunning, worthwhile the effort. Now we can enjoy a break.
The whole ascension took us 1h20 min.
Going down was a piece of cake: 50 minutes.
The result was unanimous: we ALL agreed that we had a wonderful time. Climbing to the summit was definitely worthwhile.
Lesson #9 in moving abroad: Facing adversity is painful. At any age.
But these are the most precious moments: you’re getting such a deep insight into yourself and all the other family members. It’s a unique opportunity to have an unforgettable experience and forge strong and profound relationships with each other. And with appropriate knowledge and guidance, to make the most of it!
Still hesitating to leave? Go for a walk and when you return, leave me a comment. I’d love to know if you reached the summit.