I met Ashley on LinkedIn a few months ago when she commented on “3 Myths About Self-Care That Make You Gamble With Your Life”.
“I’ve been living and working in France for almost four years and between moving, setting up a new life for my expat family, working, and dealing with the pitfalls of French administration, I’ve completely neglected myself. This has mostly come in the form of not going to the doctors when I should have and also, never taking a vacation from work. I’ve racked up 18 weeks of leave!”
“About two months ago I burned out.”
We often talk here about the challenges of the trailing spouse. So why look at the leading spouse’s point of view?
Because it can help you
- better relate to each other
- acknowledge their struggles
- make sense of the expat experience as a whole
- shed light on your dynamic as a couple
Warning: I’m extremely mindful that over time, it can become tough for us as accompanying partners to maintain compassion for the hardships faced by our employed partners. There’s a huge imbalance in the appreciation of both partners’ work contribution.
The difference is that their job earns money while ours doesn’t.
Because of the central importance of making and having money in order to live, money has become the measure of the value of one’s job. Most of the couple’s decisions are made to accommodate the one with the biggest paycheck at the end of the month.
It goes from: “I’m earning the money, you don’t. My job is more important than yours” to “My needs are more important than yours” ending up in “I’m more important than you!”
This reasoning causes immense suffering among trailing spouses.
Beware: the derived sense of unfairness that ensues may blind you.
I deeply care about this issue. And it’s why I believe that emotional support for the trailing spouse is essential to address those feelings and get a more balanced perspective.
Now back to our story…
Ashley first came to France in 2003 for a two year study program in Aix-en-Provence. She was accompanied by her husband and her four children.
The whole family had a wonderful experience in a city where they found lots of English speaking expats. Unfortunately, after two years, they had to go back to the US. Ashley needed to complete one of her last senior classes in the US to validate her degree.
In their home country, the family suffered a significant reverse culture shock and kept dreaming of going back to France.
Ashley, her double degree in International business and French intercultural studies in hand, applied for a job in a company headquartered in San Diego, but having an office in France.
After one year, the good news finally came: she was relocated to the French office! Hurrah!!
But she didn’t know was what was yet to come…
1. Nothing ever goes as planned
When she arrived, Ashley was thrown from day one into a full-time position. The former managing director had left a few months ago. No chance for a smooth transition.
She had complete responsibility of an office with several employees and a tight deadline to meet: ten weeks to run all the tests before their ERP system — managing supply, production, orders, customer service — would go live.
She spent day and night at the office living on a few hours of sleep because she was the only person competent to do the job. The language barrier and time zone difference between France and California required her constant presence on site.
The clock was ticking. No delay was possible. The pressure was huge.
Lesson: Don’t underestimate the transition period and the requirements of the job.
They’ll have a huge impact on the whole relocation process, adding to the stress of living in a new environment.
A small company doesn’t have the same level of staff, services and financial means than a bigger one. Support on the job may be minimal, leaving no time for the expat employee to take care of himself/herself, let alone support accompanying family members.
Anticipate as much as possible and prepare all you can before your arrival.
Try to have your employed partner negotiate at least the first week off to
1)/ help their body adapt to jetlag, weather changes, and diet modifications; and
2)/ get and provide emotional support to the family
Figuring out the new job and settling your family at the same time is a herculean task.
2. Accompanying family members can quickly become dysfunctional
On the family front, the situation was not easy: Ashley’s husband couldn’t speak French. Her three other children, already adults, remained in the US. Her 14 year old daughter was 8 when they previously left France. She didn’t remember the language.
Without Ashley, her family was lost.
The company is small. They helped with providing a lawyer before leaving the US. That’s it. Ashley is the one who has done all the paperwork, legwork, inquiries and numerous runs to the immigration office for the last four years and counting. She organized housing, phone, car, insurance, schooling for her daughter.
Lesson: Don’t underestimate the language barrier for all family members (adults and children).
Many of us have (had) the experience of losing the ability to speak, understand and read in the blink of an eye.
By losing your independence, you’re vulnerable. You lose your self-confidence, launching a downward spiral that may be filled with self-doubt, isolation and despair.
Emotional support and language course are not an option. They’re both mandatory.
Look at all the possibilities and reach out for help if you’re don’t have your needs met.
3. Catch 22: Find a house first and then settle in? Or settle in and then look for a house?
Ashley’s husband, fond of construction work, wanted to buy a house that they would renovate.
But looking for the relevant property kept them from settling into their new life abroad.
From October 2010 till February 2011, their daughter didn’t go to school: they didn’t know whether they would still be at the same place in a couple of weeks.
When the family finally found their dream house, all the negotiation, the sales contract and the administrative formalities were another job for Ashley (because of the language barrier).
She had to mingle with building companies when they performed the renovation of their house and was the one again needed to arrange schooling for her daughter, making appointments with the relevant teachers and staff.
And when her daughter fell into a depression, Ashley had to be the interpreter with doctors and healthcare professionals.
Lesson: Two significant changes in eight months was extremely stressful and exhausting for the whole family. The search for a house sucked up all their available time preventing them from making friends and reaching out for external support.
Each family has its own set of priorities.
But in the list of priorities, not all actions are equal. Look for the consequences on all family members.
Emotional well-being is essential once basic material needs are covered.
4. Uprooting is isolating
It took the family two years to finally find a few friends and enjoy the burgeoning of a social life.
At first, they didn’t socialize, not knowing where they’d end up living. Then they were busy settling in.
Isolation and loneliness are extremely painful.
Man is by nature a social animal, said Aristotle, 350 BC. It still rings true today.
Lesson: With modern technology, relationships change. Establishing a real friendship no longer requires physical proximity and face to face encounters. Of course, it’s wonderful to be able to meet people and share a meal or a drink.
But it’s not necessary for creating meaningful connections.
It can be even more comforting, helpful and heartwarming to connect with like-minded people, people with whom you can share your doubts, your joys, your fears without judgment. People who understand you because they’ve been through the same experience.
Thanks to the web and powerful search engines, you can find at the click of your screen, communities of people whom you can engage with, whom you can invest time with, whom you know they’ll always be there for you, wherever you go. Because they’re online, they’re location independent.
That’s is exactly what we do here at Expatriate Connection: create a supportive community for fellow expatriates.
By the way, Ashley is doing fine now. She went to see a doctor who ran some tests and found out she was severely anemic. Some simple iron pills did the trick and she finally took a long overdue vacation with her family. Her daughter completely recovered as well.
And guess what? The whole family has decided to become French!
And you, what did you find most difficult about adjusting to your expat experience?